Lucifer was supposed to go home yesterday, the weather people promised us, which is why my bathroom is still 32 degrees at 7am this morning. Now true it is down something like half a degree, but I’d like him to go home now. Dutch friends tell me that in Holland, they like visitors to stay only as long as fish stays fresh. So that’s 3 days max in my book – Lucifer’s overstaying his welcome, he’s been here for about 5 or 6 weeks now. Can he please visit the UK, where all my friends are bitching about Winter coming, and no that’s not the new Game of Thrones trailer.
Today I decided it’s back to the countryside for me, after my little trip to London and the seaside resort to run. Me and Mr Smooth presently have some relationship issues. In the early days, he told me I was doing great, and he kept my motivation high. Now I think the honeymoon is over and he’s only really taking a cursory interest. This was confirmed when I saw him last night on a couch. He told me to kick the couch and now he is sitting on one…. oh and with three gorgeous women, none of whom as far as I can tell are his wife. So a tiny pang of something in my heart or was it indigestion. But then Mr Smooth did that thing he does so well, he spoke. And then the world came right again, because he is speaking just to me. Many others of you may have seen him, but I promise you he was talking only to me.
Now you understand the bizarre fantasist that I have become due to Mr Smooth. Out onto the Slope of Hope and then turn into the Hill that Kills. Aha, I’d actually forgotten it’s been four runs since I was last here. Two flattish runs in London and another two very flat runs at the chichi running track. The Hill that Kills, was quite welcoming she whispered quietly ” so JCR you’ve come back to me, I was waiting patiently for you, even though you dumped me for the bright lights of London and men in bikinis in Fano”
I’d like to say I apologised to her, but actually I couldn’t speak it’s hot and a gradient and I haven’t done this for close to ten days. So with much wheezing I continued down into Lovers Lane, also wearing a very seductive outfit. Lovers Lane was bathed in shade, oh thank you gods of running you were listening. However, shortly after the gods of running decided I’d had too much favourable treatment and the two beagles gave me a fright with a cacophony of barking. That was two F words and not even half way yet. So round Villa Bali and back down Lovers Lane. Out back to the Hill that Kills, and she was still whispering menacingly ” JCR you’ve come back so soon, and you think you’ve got me, but you’re running downhill, revenge will be mine”
And she was right – on my run back up, my legs went jelly like, my heart was pounding fast and I almost stopped. The Hill that Kills had become that damned shark in Jaws, and she’d just taken a damn great chunk out my glutes. So I diverted what little energy I had to chanting ‘I can do it’ ‘ I can do it’ .
At this point I really, really needed Mr Smooth’s help and then he said well done you’ve been running for twenty minutes, only five to go. That wasn’t really the help I had in mind, I was thinking a Ferrari with him, me and a bottle of bubbles. But I dug in, I can’t give that advice if I don’t take it… Finally the one minute mark, but in full sun, now my chanting sounded more like a threat in a creepy horror movie. But I did it and it was done.
As to jealousy, I have learnt it is better to share the love and so Mr Smooth, I understand you have to focus on the newbies because they need you now more than I do. But I’d still like us to stay in touch, just an occasional cuddle will do.
Two Tribes – Frankie Goes to Hollywood
Breaking Us in Two – Joe Jackson
Scoobie Snacks – Fun Lovin’ Criminals
Glory Days – The Boss
Rehab – Amy Winehouse
Change – Lightning Seeds
People are People – Depeche Mode
Disco 2000 – Pulp
By The Way – Red Hot Chilis
Darling Nikki – Prince and the Revolution
China Girl – David Bowie
Born to Run – The Boss
Average Pace 8.36 mins/km
Originally published on Health Unlocked 10 August 2017
For those of you who may be utterly bewildered by Mr Smooth and my reference to him being on a sofa. This year the IAAF championships were held in London and broadcast by the BBC. Mr Smooth was on the sofa with 3 gorgeous achieving women – Denise Lewis, Gabby Logan and Paula Ratcliffe.