16 Oct – The kNAFFTAs* are here

white clothes line trousers past
*Knickers and Foundation Fitness Training Awards – the ‘k’ is silent

 

In English we have a phrase ‘don’t get your knickers in a twist’ or a knot is also a variant on the adage. This came to mind during my run this morning. It occurred to me that whilst I had created a scoring method for my sports bras, I hadn’t done the same for the nether region’s needs. What’s good enough for upstairs is good enough for downstairs, so here we go.

Here is my indispensable guide to working out whether your running/sporting undergarments pass muster.

A  – Appearance

In relationships, for some of us, looks are all. Others prefer character or even a good sense of humour. How your underwear looks may just make the crucial difference between running and running scared.

Score yours as follows:

0= Who said knickers were necessary? I run commando.

1= I re-purposed granny’s bloomers/ grandad’s plus-fours, they are a bit bulky under the lycra

2= Other than the rotting elastic, they’re looking good for 10 years wear

3= So-so, I wouldn’t die of shame if my shorts fell down

4= Nearly new, neat and rather natty

5= The haute couture of knickers, I prefer to be seen in these rather than my running shorts

B for Bounce

For us runners some moving flesh can be problematical. Underwear providing a bit of support can be the difference between being able to sit comfortably post run and being forced to apply anaesthetic cream in places you rather wouldn’t.

Score yours as follows:

0 = I run commando, bounce hardens you up

1= OMG, there’s a flesh rollercoaster down/back there, it’s all unrestrained

2= I yelp occasionally when my parts get out of synch

3= An occasional hiccup, but otherwise it’s settled nicely

4= Firm without constriction

5= There ain’t nothing going on down there

C – Chafeability

The feel of your undergarment fabric can change your whole demeanour, for better or worse

Score yours as follows:

0= I’ve already told you, running commando makes me ‘meanour’

1= I think they call it glass paper at B&Q, this material takes no prisoners, I’m on my way to A&E

2= Hessian is not as eye-watering as you may think and runner’s lube helps

3=  I gasp occasionally in the shower – as a consequence my partner is somewhat suspicious

4= Seamless, wicking technology – need I say more?

5= My personal shopper sourced the most wonderful, hand woven Tibetan silk underwear. Please define chafe for me.

D for Dirt Management

Running underwear needs laundering, most of us can’t afford the time or have the inclination for special treatment

Score as follows:

0= Commando baby, nothing necessary

1= Handwoven Tibetan silk requires a Tibetan silk hand washing specialist, luckily I can afford one

2= Who doesn’t use a dry cleaner?

3= Hand washing preferred, with like minded clothing, we don’t like conditioner

4= Washing machine but please make it gentle with no tumble drying

5= Washing machine – any programme, these babies are indestructible

E for Expensively Branded

Running is supposed to be cheap, but as we know that’s not really true especially if you fall prey to ‘swoosh envy’, so how does your underwear size up on cost?

Score as follows:

0= I’ve told you so many times, I go commando, no cost impact for me, but my partner doesn’t like touching my running shorts

1= Handwoven Tibetan silk, doesn’t come cheap and my undies don’t either

2= Usain Bolt recommended these and he deserves the money

3= Goldilocks Porridge – just right

4= I’ve got money left over for lube

5= How cheap?!?, Better buy a multi-pack

F for Form

We’ve all fooled ourselves from time to time over the form of our clothing, for example ‘I did look good in the 80s’. Your choice of shape/type of underwear speaks volumes about you as a runner.

Score yours:

0= Runnng commando, my form is perfect and I won’t hear otherwise. I actually don’t hear otherwise as no-one will or does run with me

1 – I do everything in my boxers, although I concede they do look odd over my running shorts

2 – Going for a thong, who doesn’t like a cheesecutter?

3 – The old, grey faithful, no longer recognisable in form, colour or age. I can’t even be sure that they’re not my partner’s knickers

4 – My Bridget Jones Big Pants – my wife/husband says they suit me and provide a very useful tummy tuck service at the same time

5 –  Proper, pucker, perfect running knickers. No seams, wicking technology, no riding up with wear – heaven in a brief.

For scoring – anyone with a zero score – I think we all know how you run, more or less naked and most definitely alone. 😉

The higher the score the better the knicker. You can find the excel sheet here, to help you score your drawers

kNAFFTA2019

P.s. Run Done – same issues as yesterday – the fog meant Map My Run recorded me as doing 56kms today

Playlist

Dad Dancing Classics

Come On Eileen – Dexys

Money For Nothing – Dire Straits

Ballroom Blitz – Sweet

This Town Ain’t Big Enough For The Both Of Us – Sparks

Sit Down – James

Jump Around – House of Pain

Oops Up Side Your Head – The Gap Band

Bat Out Of Hell – Meatloaf

Rockin’ All Over The World – Status Quo

Papas Got A Brand New Pigbag – Pigbag

Born To Run – The Boss

Greased Lightning – John Travolta

Dreadlock Holiday – 10cc

Mr Blue Sky – ELO

I’m Too Sexy – Right Said Fred

Timewarp – The Rocky Horror Show Cast

Tubthumping – Chumbawumba

Pretty Vacant – Sex Pistols

Prince Charming – Adam and The Ants

Living On A Prayer – Bon Jovi

Bohemian Rhapsody – Queen

Sex On Fire – Kings of Leon

Stats

Distance 10.08km

Time 1:05:08

Average Pace 6:27

Elevation Gain – indeterminable

Alzheimer’s Challenge

Kms Done 1674.64

Kms To Run 343.36

 

 

 

16 Oct – Haven’t The Foggiest

forest under clouds
This is not the view on my run, but this is nicer!

Tuesday morning  and the upsides:-

  • yesterday was rest day
  • I don’t have a migraine
  • it’s misty, which makes it easier to run as it’s not so hot

Downside:-

  • GPRS gets confused

And how GPRS got confused today! Map My Run claimed I ran 81.18kms in one hour and 6 minutes my new personal best of 48 seconds a km. Take that Usain – who is the lightning bolt now? How I wish any of that was true – the distance, the speed and the elevation gains were all over the place.

But this was a well-trodden path; luckily I have on a previous  run recorded this route and the distance was not lost. I started out happily onto Mill Lane – no-one there. Lovers’ Lane and Bali – no-one. Hill that Kills – no-one. Bendy, Scary Road – no-one. Royston Vasey – no-one. War of the World’s Lane – at last humankind is in sight, I thought everyone had been abducted by aliens. There ahead of me was Hairy Biker Man and Artur his dog. HBM was wearing blue tinted aviator sunglasses, Artur just his collar,  and me wearing a bemused look. It was foggy, why was HBM wearing sunglasses? But then, Italians in my experience, always manage to look cool, and he did, although I would have looked ridiculous wearing them in the fog… 🙂

I don’t know him well enough to ask, I’m only really on petting terms with Artur and it seems a tad impertinent to ask. Arthur is 4 years old and likes a long walk, his un-named companion dog was at home as she is 15 and not up to the long walks.

It was nice to see them and stop for a chat, except for one slight thing, I had been running quite pacily and this was definitely an unscheduled stop, but a nice one nonetheless. Clearly, HBM and Artur each had a magnetic field to attract more folk out, because shortly after I saw my first cyclist and then two walkers.

Lovely, misty run – not 81kms but a touch over 10km, nor was it a lightning bolt run, but it’s not bad for an old girl!

Playlist

Mummycav playlist – thanks Bev for reminding I hadn’t played this in a while

Shake It Off – Taylor Swift

Layla – Derek And The Dominoes

Darling Nikki – Prince

Ophelia – The Band

Queen Of Clubs – KC and The Sunshine Band

Uma Thurman – Fall Out Boy

St Xenia – Katina

Oh Yoko – John Lennon

Teresa – Eddie Cochran

Alison – Elvis Costello

Eloise – The Damned

Sherry – Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons

Francine – ZZ Top

Helena -My Chemical Romance

The Jean Genie – David Bowie

Poison Ivy – The Lambrettas

Respect – Aretha Franklin

Caroline – Status Quo

Girls Just Want To Have Fun – Cyndi Lauper

Kayleigh – Marillion

Maggie May – Rod Stewart

Wendy – the Beach Boys

Zoe Jane – Staind

Stats

Distance 10.08km

Time 1:06:05

Average Pace 6:33

Elevation Gain – 47 metres

Alzheimer’s Challenge

Kms Run 1664.56

Kms to Run 353.44

 

 

12 Oct – Hot or Cold?

 

I had cold feet about getting up for my run – mainly laziness. But the weather was hotting up, so after much faffing I finally got out. What a glorious October morning, 18 degrees, sunny, no breeze and very little traffic around.

The usual long run route from home to the coffee shop, taking in the delights of Mill Lane, Lovers’ Lane, The Hill That Kills, Bendy Scary Road, Royston Vasey, Fish Shop Village and Bin Lane.

At Bali, I spotted the roses basking in the morning sun, and they were beautifully fragranced too. Summer’s last rays of sunshine encouraging the late flowering.  This was quite prophetic for my run, as I was a little slow on my feet at this point, I think the September reduced runs are having an impact and I’m a little less used to doing longer distances. Still October will get me back on track. The downside of the sun, is that the pesky biting insects are around and I’m nursing two bites on my legs which line up perfectly with my capri seams. It’s not an elegant run when I have to stop for a scratch and hope that no-one sees me.

Onto Royston Vasey and I smiled when I saw the hot water bottle cover on the washing line – at this point it was about 20 degrees and it seemed really incongruous, given I was boiling hot and rolling up my capris to cool down somewhat.

At the 6km mark, the late flowering came into effect personally and I managed two kilometres at under 5.50 pace, which is quite a rate for me, especially in the sun. Eminem and ‘Lose Yourself’ did help as it’s one of my favourite running tracks, then All Saints made an appearance with ‘Never Ever’ which also kept me trotting along nicely. Of course this pace wasn’t sustainable, but it’s the first time in a while I’ve done sub 6 minutes per km.

Bin Lane came into view and I had to slow down, but another 10km clocked on the challenge, on a day that started with cold feet and ended up with a happy hot runner.

Playlist

Ju-Ju’s 90’s Playlist

Get Here – Oleta Adams

Don’t Need The Sunshine – Catatonia

Say My Name – Destiny’s Child

Lose Yourself – Eminem

Never, Ever – All Saints

Love Is All Around – The Wets

Barbie Girl – Aqua

Believe – Cher

Wannabe – Spice Girls

Nothing Compares 2 U – Sinead O’Connor

The Power – SNAP!

Gangsta’s Paradise – Coolio

Move Any Mountain, Ebeneezer Goode – The Shamen

I See You Baby – Groove Armada

Devotion – Nomad

The Key, The Secret – Urban Cookie Crew

Everybody’s Free – Rozalla

Baby One More Time – Britney Spears

Dub Be Good To Me – Beats International

Stats

Distance 10.44km

Time 1:08:00

Average Pace 6:30

Elevation Gain  47 metres

Alzheimer’s Challenge

Kms Run 1639.75

Kms to Run 378.25

 

 

 

9 Oct – Running Mathematics

IMG_2756

Target 10km

Achievement 11km

Result  = 1km put in the running bank and 1 smiley runner

Playlist

The weather has improved and my weather playlist seemed appropriate as it was a fun run in the sun.

Misty Blue – Dorothy Moore

Thunder Road – The Boss

It’s Raining Men – The Weather Girls

I Won’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me – Nik Kershaw

Something In The Air – Thunderclap Newman

Mr Blue Sky – ELO

Ain’t No Sunshine – Lighthouse Family

Thunder In My Heart – Meck and Leo Sayer

Purple Rain, Thunder – His Purple Highness

Downpour  – Backstreet Boys

Sunshine After The Rain – Berri

Walking On Sunshine – Katrina And The Waves

Boogie Shoes – KC and The Sunshine Band

Cold As Ice – Foreigner

Sunny – Boney M

Lightning Bolt – Jake Bugg

The Real Slim Shady – Eminem

Summer Breeze – The Isley Brothers

Cold Cold Man – Saint Motel

Warmth – Bastille

Sunshine On a Rainy Day (twice)– Galimar

Boogie Nights – Heatwave

House Of The Rising Sun – The Animals

Cloudbusting – Kate Bush

Lightning Strikes – The Black Seeds

 

Stats

Distance 11.11km

Time 1:21:49

Average Pace 7:21

Elevation Gain 87 metres

Alzheimer’s Challenge

Kms Run 1623.98

Kms to Run 394.02 -brilliant  Im now on the threes…

8 Oct – Babbo Natale is Back

pexels-photo-716658.jpeg
Babbo Natale 

 

Sunday was a run day, and it became reordered due to a pesky migraine. I did get up late to do my run at 10 o’clock – evening not morning – Sunday therefore became a ‘no run’ day. I estimate I’ve lost about 100km this year due to migraines, which is somewhat irritating but the situation is improving, so fingers crossed that’s the limit of impact reached.

Today’s run needed to be a good one on distance to make up for the slippage. Mr JCR promised to pick me up at the cafe, giving me a +/-10km target for today.

Monday’s are always sleepy and today was no different. Up to Mill Lane the crunch of leaves and a few slippy acorns underfoot led me into Lovers’ Lane. Ahead of me Mr & Mrs Walking Sticks, I’ve seen them a few times over the summer, I think they must do mid-morning walks as I rarely see them early on in the day. Mr WS was very polite and stepped out of my way when I pootled past and on my return loop, they both said buongiorno.

Down the Hill That Kills and onto the Bendy, Scary Road, I was warming up nicely and then tasted my water. Eeeuuggghh it was full of saline – we evidently have an issue with our water softener, as this is the second time in a week. Okay never mind, just focus on getting the run done without water – luckily as it’s cooler I don’t need as much so it’s hardly a crisis. As I was wiping my mouth one of the many Puntos  here passed me – it was Babbo Natale and he tooted me. My assumption is that it was a toot of recognition rather than irritation.

Onto fish shop village, just about hitting the 8km mark and I was passed by a very bright lime green cyclist, talking on his mobile phone, whilst he was being overtaken by a car. Brave or stupid – you decide.

Up to Bin Lane where all was quiet and my run passed without incident – after the 9km mark a little dog joined me for a jog – he lasted about 25 metres and then turned back home. He was much nicer than the nasty, yappy, jumpy dogs in Argo’s loop. Finally, I hit 10km on the All Roads Lead To Rome road, and whilst my legs were a bit tired, I felt I’d had a lovely run out, seeing Babbo Natale and meeting a new dog friend, oh and passing the 1,000 mile mark which, for the curious amongst you, is 1609.34kms.

Playlist

Disco Divas

Ring My Bell – Anita Ward

I Say A Little Prayer – Aretha

Yes Sir, I Can Boogie – Baccara

Cruel Summer – Bananarama

Sunny – Boney M

Young Hearts Run Free – Candi Staton

I Feel For You – Chaka Khan

Hot Stuff – Donna Summer

Love Come Down – Evelyn Champagne King

Rhythm Is Gonna Get You – Gloria Estefan & The Miami Sound Machine

Pul Up To The Bumper – Grace Jones

Ain’t Nothing Going On But the Rent – Gwen Guthrie

Somebody Else’s Guy – Jocelyn Brown

Funkytown – Lipps Inc

Borderline – Madonna

Forget Me Nots – Patrice Rushen

Stir It Up – Patti LaBelle

Jump, I’m So Excited – Pointer Sisters

Car Wash – Rose Royce

Ain’t Nobody – Rufus and Chaka

Let The Music Play – Shannon

Lost In Music – Sister Sledge

How Will I Know – Whitney Houston

Stats

Distance 10.42km

Time 1:11:13

Average Pace 6:49

Elevation Gain 43 metres

Alzheimer’s Challenge

Kms Run 1612.87

Kms To Run 405.13 ( three hundreds in sight!)

 

 

 

3 Oct – Sign Of The Times*

IMG_9020

Sunday – Migraine

Monday – Remainder of Migraine

Tuesday – Pouring Down

Wednesday – A Run in the Sun

Route today – patrol outside our house, Mill Lane, Lovers’ Lane, Hill That Kills, Bendy Scary Road, War Of The Worlds Lane.

Heat and sweat levels high due to badly chosen wardrobe choice – leggings and base layer. Shorts and a tee-shirt would have been much better, hence a mid-run wardrobe adjustment, rolling up legs of leggings a la Compo from Last Of The Summer Wine.

In this sartorial elegance, I was stopped by a motorist on the bendy, scary road.

Motorist – Signora, please stop there is a problem with this road sign

JCR – scusa (I didn’t hear him properly and thought he was talking about the post office – entirely different sounding words – my Italian is rubbish at times)

M – this roadsign is in the middle of the road and is dangerous

JCR – ah yes

M – do you know whether the road is closed?

JCR – no I have not long returned from holiday and don’t know

M – maybe this is a joke, who put it there?

JCR – I don’t know

M – why is it here?

JCR – I don’t know

M – it is dangerous

JCR – Yes

M – he shrugs and drives off

I am still utterly perplexed as to what he thought I could do about it, maybe he just wanted to share his frustration or maybe he was warning me, but I was on the other side of the road and unaffected by it.

I was wearing stripy leggings a la Compo, and a plain top – no fluoro or dayglo to be seen, so I couldn’t have looked like a council worker… Is my future Autumn running to be punctuated by random chats with strangers?

Playlist

Common People – Pulp

Barbara Ann – Beach Boys

Darling Nikki – His Purple Highness*

Girl From Mars – Ash

Parklife – Blur

The Reflex, Girls on Film, Save A Prayer – Duran Duran

Live and Die – OMD

Unbelievable – EMF

Everything Must Go – The Manics

Glamorous Indie Rock and Roll – The Killers

Crazy in Love – Beyoncé

Born To Run – The Boss

Get Dancin’ – Disco Tex And His Sex O Lettes

Wishing Well – Terence Trent D’Arby

Night Fever – Bee Gees

Stats

Distance 10.72km

Time 1:14:08

Average Pace 6:55

Elevation Gain 50 metres

Alzheimer’s Challenge

Kms Done 1584.57

Kms to Run 433.43

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

29 Sep – Sweaty Heap

IMG_2079

 

S = Saturday Morning, back in Le Marche after the Naples/Sorrento break – first kilometre a bit slow, as I get back into my running routine

W = Well, it’s a lot cooler here than in Sorrento, and my second kilometre is a bit laboured as practice running mini-laps outside of the house, before heading for the Slope of Hope

E = Effort is necessary to get me up the Hill That Kills, I’m not sure of the elevation gain but it is just on 1/3 of a km in length and all uphill and usually a bit of a test, early in a run. This was my third kilometre into Lovers’ Lane.

A = Against all my expectations, my pace improves and I get into a nice rhythm and even the barking beagles don’t give me grief when I pass them, well into my 4th kilometre.

T = Turning back towards home, I trot steadily and do a couple more mini-laps outside the house and this is when my monicker changes from JCR to JNKH – Jan Nearly Kills Herself. Unbeknown to me the car I heard behind me, actually took the slip road near me and I hadn’t heard her change tack, and so ran in front of her… Oops, that almost curtailed my 5th kilometre.

Y = Yikes, there’s a big nasty hornet buzzing near me. This year has been full of hornets, and each night one attacks our front door – it could be him… Being a sweaty runner, I often attract flies – I know – it’s not an attractive thought, and I hope desperately that my pheromones aren’t catnip to a hornet. Luckily for me he leaves me alone, and as I go towards the Slope of Hope once more I hit the 6km mark.

H = Help, I’m running up the Hill That Kills once more, and it’s getting warm, which is a bit of a problem as I am wearing a base layer and running capris, because it was much cooler early on. The sweat is pouring off me – Lovers’ Lane offers a little respite, but the Villa Bali loop is full sun again – I’m leaving a vapour trail behind me – eeugh. Still that’s 7km done.

E = Eight kilometres coming up and surprisingly, I see what I think is a fellow runner coming towards me, dressed in a ‘hornet’ type outfit. It is in fact a lady walker, wearing a dayglo yellow jacket, dark shorts and long socks. She’s making quite a pace and I feel a tad embarrassed as I’m a little tired and I’m sure she’s walking faster than I’m running…

A = Adjusting pace is called for, I’ve found that when I take a few days of rest from running, that my first run is always a little rusty. So I take it down a bit and find my running legs again. Back up the Hill That Kills and I make a mental note that if I can reach 10km, I will continue until I either hit the 10k or the natural end of the road, whichever is the further.

P = Part way down Lovers’ Lane and I hit the 10km mark, I continue until the end of the lane. Job done – a nice 10km+ to mark my return home. It wasn’t fast, and I was a very sweaty heap. Not a problem with the weather – just the wrong clothing. Another lesson learnt JCR, either get out earlier and wear layers or stay in bed (yay!!!) and wear lighter clothing. I’m guessing you can already tell what tomorrow’s clothing strategy will be.

Playlist

Mistakes – Madness

Tired Of Waiting For You – The Kinks

Suspect Device – Stiff Little Fingers

Temptation – Heaven 17

Don’t Look Back In Anger – Oasis

Disco 2000 – Pulp

By The Way, Cabron – Red Hot Chilis

Dance Away, Avalon – Roxy Music

Wishing Well, Sign Your Name – Terence Trent D’Arby

Rio – Duran Duran

Born To Run – The Boss

Fuck You – Cee Lo Green

Walk Like An Egyptian – The Bangles

Runnin’ Down A Dream – Tom Petty

Purple Rain – His Purple Highness

Get Dancin’ – Disco Tex & His Sex-O-Lettes

Mony Mony – Billy Idol

Let’s Stick Together, Tokyo Joe – Bryan Ferry

Joan Of Arc – OMD

Rumour Has It – Adele

Everyday I Love You Less and Less – Kaiser Chiefs

Stats

Distance 10.3km

Time 1:17:41

Average Pace 7:32

Elevation Gain 65 metres

Alzheimer’s Challenge

Kms Done 1573.85

Kms to Run 444.15