In running there is a well known affliction called the Toxic Tens. This is all about how long it takes your body to realise you’re being serious about exercise and oxygenating your bloodstream accordingly to manage the demands of the exercise. Typically it takes 10 minutes for your body to be running aerobically.
In fairness, most runners suffer from the Toxic Tens, but here are the other afflictions, that trip me up from time to time, or if I’m unlucky – on every bloody run.
The ‘Orrible Ones – this is the first km you are doing, having left the warmth and comfort of the sofa. It’s ‘horrible and frankly you wonder why you bothered, as you feel sluggish and are actually running like a slug.
The ‘Trocious Twos – this is when the Toxic Tens are at their worst, you’ve done the first kilometre and now you’re thinking things will get better. But they don’t and the beginning of the second kilometre is atrocious. In fact I run like an asthmatic badger at this point.
The Throbbing or Twingeing Threes – at this stage your body realises you’re out for a run and starts those irritating little niggles, just to put you off your stride. Throbbing knee anyone? Yup, why not throw in an aching hamstring for good measure? Cramp in the arch of your foot? These are all typical of the Throbbing or Twingeing Threes.
The Effing Fours and Fives. According to all running advice, this is when you are hitting your stride nicely, it is all settling down. Except the effing fours and fives all too often coincide with the ‘where the effing hell is the nearest loo?’ None of us want to do a Paula Radcliffe, so you end up buying an unwanted cup of coffee to use the loo. Repeat every 5 kms. It’s effing annoying and expensive in equal measure.
The Shitty Sixes. Too close to the 5km for you to think you’ve cracked the run, but not far enough to be close enough to the elusive 10km. This is when mentally I become Marvin the Paranoid Android. Obsessive recalculating of my running totals vs. the plan and wondering if anyone would really notice if I walked for a km or two. Random phrases and curses pop out of my mouth at this phase, startling passers-by.
The Sodding Awful Sevens – aha this is when your running kit starts playing up. I have a pair of Dutch running tights. Why is it important that the tights are Dutch? Because the Dutch are the tallest people in the world, and I am not. This means at 7km I can guarantee my Dutch leggings will be working their way down my legs. Giving me a bare arse and wrinkled ankles at exactly the same time. A sort of granny gangsta look and not in a good way.
The Endurance Eights – at this stage of a run at eight kms and more, my running times start slipping and my running pace starts looking remarkably similar to my walking pace. This is the point when you will be overtaken by all/any of the following;-
- Mum/Dad with BugaBoo pram
- 2, 3, 4, 5 year olds
- Dog walker
- Moody ‘emo’ teenager
- Man walking whilst looking at mobile phone
- Fast walker
- Pensioner with a limp
- Plonker on a scooter
- Asthmatic badgers
The Naff Nines – when the body is weak and the spirit is weaker. This is often my ‘give up’ kilometrage point.
And so we return to the Toxic Tens. And today on my run I was afflicted by:-
The Throbbing or Twingeing Threes – weird ache in right arm and shoulder
The Shitty Sixes – near the MI6 building – suddenly realising it was at least 6 kms home and I didn’t fancy it much, not helped by a passing guy saying hup, hup, hup as I ran past.
Also anyone got any idea why a busker thought singing ‘Driving Home For Christmas’ by Chris Rea was appropriate 2 days before March? I know it was snowing a bit, but even so. He was la la la-ing on the giveaway lyric, but it was still evidently recognisable.
Stray Cat Strut – Stray Cats
Keep on Running – Spencer Davis Group
Happy – Pharrell
Smile – Lily Allen
Pink Panther Theme – Henry Mancini
Smile – Gregory Porter
Under Pressure – Queen and David Bowie
Easy – Commodores
Nowhere Fast – Eminem feat Kehlani
Compression – Francesco Digilio
One Step Beyond – Prince Buster
Rest – Charlotte Gainsbourg
To Jan – Leonard Anderson
Miami Vice Theme – Jan Hammer
Never Gonna Give You Up – Rick Astley
Runnin’ Down A Dream – Tom Petty
Running Up That Hill – Kate Bush
Ju Ju Man – Dave Edmunds
The Streak – Ray Stevens
Question – The Moody Blues
Advice For The Young At Heart – Tears for Fears
There Are More Questions Than Answers – Johnny Nash
Fools Rush In – Ricky Nelson
Down Under – Men At Work
Average Pace 6.44 (mins/km)
Elevation Gain 108 metres
Kms Done 314.9
Kms to do 1703.10 (next time out I’ll be under the 1700s)
Team Rhomboid Torture
Yesterday’s instructions were to do burpees – I can burp and I can pee, I just can’t do burpees. So I didn’t do a thing, nothing, nada, zip.
Waiting for today’s instructions, so am guessing I will squat, wall press and hollow rock again.